In my first post I listed a disclaimer saying that I was not perfect and still have my good and bad days. Well, this will show you just how true that is. I was wondering what to post next, and have honestly been struggling a bit. Father’s Day hit me a lot harder than I was expecting, and I haven’t felt worthy of writing. Yesterday on my way into work I asked God what I should write about, and as silly as it sounds I was surprised to find Him ready with an answer.
Normally I listen to a prayer on my ipod, but since I had left my headphones at work the night before I just opened up my Bible. I’ve been reading through the Old Testimate and yesterday I reached Joshua chapter one. Moses had just died and the Lord had just appointed Joshua to take his place. I can only imagine what Joshua was going through. Here he was mourning his mentor, a great leader and friend, when God says it’s time for him to take the reins. They’re about to go into a fierce batter, and it’s time for Joshua to lead. I have a feeling that Joshua did not feel up to the task so throughout this first chapter God continues to encourage him. In 18 short verses God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous 3 times. He reminds Joshua that He is with him, and has gone before him. This story brought great comfort to me, and reminded me that God is always near. I was finally feeling like the fog had lifted when a larger cloud of darkness began to appear. It seems like every time I think I have control over something or know what direction to take that is exactly when something happens to blow my confidence and peace.
This morning on my way into work I listened to the prayer on my ipod, and just couldn’t focus on the words being prayed. I was determined to persevere and finally reached the end. Once the prayer had closed I still felt the same way. I wondered why I couldn’t get out this funk, and why I was letting things affect me so much. Sometimes I like to blame all of this on being an emotional girl, but the truth is it’s larger than that. I have a hard time fighting my emotions and when I do I usually just bottle them up inside until I pretty much explode. It’s hard for me to verbalize things, and when I try I usually end up in tears which is something that I hate. I’d rather say that nothing’s wrong, but then that’s just a lie. Truthfully there are times I have a hard time closing my mind to things I know are not from God, and feel I’m in the midst of a fierce battle for myself. I often feel I cry out to God, but have a hard time hearing His voice. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t, but this is what I go through.
So after the prayer concluded, I had a few words for God asking why. I then went back to my ipod to listen to the song I posted for Father’s Day, but sure enough it wasn’t there. I searched my albums and came across a Hope for Prayer series I had begun over the weekend, but didn’t get to finish. I picked up where I thought I had left off, but it was at a different point. I continued to listen anyway, and found the track to be a brand new prayer. It was one I hadn’t heard before, but was amazed by its relevance. As I listened to the prayer I found it was for a young man and his family. They didn’t go into specific detail, but the young man had been struggling and the family was having a hard time praying for him. The prayer began by asking God what to pray, what was needed, and to shed His light over the situation. As I listened on I realized these were the words I needed. I always seem to tell God how tired I am of feeling the way I do, I tell Him how much I just want peace, and for Him to just remove me from a situation. I realized that my prayers tend to be more about me telling God what I need rather than asking Him what is needed. I found that I need to give up my thoughts, stop telling Him what I think is needed, and instead listen a whole lot more. You’d think by now I would know better considering all He’s brought me through, but the truth is I still have times I struggle. It’s not all of the time, but when I do, it seems to be something fierce.
So I can’t say I have all of the answers, and that I will never struggle again. But I’m thankful for God’s word, His truth, and will continue to learn from Him. I hope the next time the funk appears I just remember to ask God what He wants, how He wants to use the situation, and to shed His light into the fog of lies circling in my head. I’m so thankful for a God that is real, that is always ready to be in the battle with me, one I can trust no matter how I might feel at the time, and one that will always deliver me from evil. He’s truly an awesome God, and I’m so blessed to know He hasn’t given up.