Skip to content

The Truth Behind Infertility

July 1, 2010

There’s no way to truly describe how frustrating, heartbreaking, and painful dealing with infertility is.  I’ve heard people say they understand because it took them six or so months to conceive, but honestly if you haven’t endured going through infertility treatments and tests then I must say you have been blessed.

A friend of mine just found out this wouldn’t be her month, and my heart truly just breaks for her.  I wish there was something I could say to change things, but I’ve been in her shoes and I know that there’s not.  When you’re trying to get pregnant it feels like the world is against you.  You dread going on sites like Facebook and Twitter because you just know there will be a new pregnancy or birth announcement.  It seems like no one has a care in the world, and the only dark cloud is hovering over your head.  You find yourself becoming bitter at someone for being blessed with a child because they have exactly what you want.  You see your friends complaining because they can’t drink or don’t feel well, but yet they get to have a baby growing inside them.  You begin counting how many of your friends have become pregnant, how many pregnant bellies are in the store or even walk by during lunch.   And the more you put yourself through all of this the harder it all becomes.

I know because these are all things that I am guilty of.  My time trying to conceive has lasted longer than a friend’s marriage.  I’ve had other friends get married, get pregnant, and have their baby all while I continued to wait.  I’ve had multiple friends be surprised with a pregnancy, and now one of them is pregnant again…this time with twins.  And I know it can all be very overwhelming.

For a while I just wanted it to end.   I wondered what I did to deserve all of the pain.  I dug up all of the skeletons in my closet, repented of all my sin, and requested forgiveness of a friend.  I changed my diet, took medications orally, inserted medications where the sun doesn’t shine, injected my stomach and butt with medications, endured daily doctor visits and literally stood on my head.  I did everything I could think of, but nothing worked.  Time would pass, and each month there would be another negative.  I wondered why.  What was the purpose of the pain?  The wonderment turned to frustration. The frustration turned to bitterness and the bitterness turned to anger.  I wondered why God would give me such a strong desire if He had no plan to fulfill that very desire.

But the truth is now, being through it all, I think I actually know.  Of course I don’t know His ultimate purpose in it all or how things will end, but that’s ok.  I know now that He has always been with me, and through everything He was using my desire to mold me for the better.  I’ve learned to cling to God in ways I’ve never held on to Him before.  He’s seen me through my darkest hours, my brightest days and has continued to be by my side.  I may not have felt it, but He has always been right there…fighting for me.

You see, through it all He just wanted me.  As much as I longed for a child, He longed for me more.  He wanted to pull me out of the trenches, but I refuse to relinquish control.  It literally took my body shutting down before I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to control it all rather than just trusting in Him.  I’ve learned that I can make everything line up perfectly, but if it’s not what He wants for me at that very moment then there is nothing I can do.  It’s not my fault that I can’t get pregnant; it’s just that I need to trust in His plan more than my own.  Through infertility He grew my faith.  He showed me that faith is not always knowing why something happens or how something works, but it is trusting that He has a greater plan for my life, and knowing that I just need to let go.  I’ve learned that it is only by letting go that I am able to find peace, and that no matter what lies ahead, He will walk me through it, but I must continue to keep trusting in Him.

Advertisements
5 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2011 3:33 AM

    Dear, as i read your words..it feels like i am reading my own life what is happening to me right now.. with all the waiting and tests..and pregnant friends on facebook as if the whole world is pregnant except me.. you are truly a light in my situation at the moment because with all my pain i couldnt let it go with anyone except my mum and husband who truly undertood me. and here you are with your blog bringing hope and light in my life through God… i am a very strong woman but being unable to conceive naturally made me weak and God brought back my strenght…

  2. SONIA permalink
    July 10, 2010 3:43 AM

    Praise God for HE is good. HE will never leave u nor forsake u.
    Throughout my journey I have never doubted that I will become a mother. I know that HIS time is not my time. So I patiently wait.
    Thank u for putting in words what so many of us feel but don’t know how to express it. Thank u for opening our eyes to the ONE who is the giver of LIFE.
    Thank u from a mother to be

  3. Elena permalink
    July 2, 2010 5:28 PM

    You have me in tears. That was beautiful. That is what faith is. Trusting, in Him when you just don’t know.

  4. Sandy D permalink
    July 1, 2010 10:32 PM

    My sweet daughter. How I love you. We share such a similar history. The months of meds and yes, standing on my head just to get the negative result. Yet, finally in God’s timing I did have a baby boy. Another 8 years of trying brought no further children. But then, again in God’s timing, we were given you..by marrying our baby boy. Children come into a family thru different avenues, only one of which is giving physical birth. I love your heart and your honesty. I love you. And I wait along side you to see God’s unfolding plan for your life. Proverbs 31:25..”she is clothed in strength and dignity”….strength first, God-given dignity next….but the rest of the verse reads….”she can laugh at the days to come.” Not to lessen the desire. Not to ignore the pain. But to grasp the joy of knowing that whatever comes….God is there, providing strength and dignity.

  5. PJAZ permalink
    July 1, 2010 6:23 PM

    Well once again, you have read my heart. I honestly can not believe when I read your words, that it is not my own words being written down by someone else. Last night on the way home from church my husband and I were discussing what we possibly did wrong to receive another negative. Of course, just as you said though, we came to realization that it is not what we are doing, it is what HE is doing. The one thing that did come out for us yesterday is that while we were on vacation and dreaming about the potential baby in my belly (all before we knew the treatment didn’t work) that we did not kneel down and take the time to pray fervently. At a time when we did not have work and the stresses of life weighing on us, we did not even take the time to pray! Well, I think that we learned our lesson. Unfortuantely, you go through this for so long, that the prayers and wishing and the wanting become routine. They lose their fire. I will never again let my motherly heart lose its fire and trust in God. This is just yet another one of God’s signs, and I believe today was God’s lesson that when I do become a mother, I will never lose that fire in my heart.
    Lastly, I just had to share that as my husband and I stood in church last night and waited for the service to start, I just so happened to step outside for a moment. Directly in front of me was an enormous rrainbow. Now, let me explain, I live in a place where it RARELY rains, and it was not raining where I was right then. Quite a miracle. I went back inside and shared with my husband that once again, God’s gift of the rainbow assured me that he will not make me suffer.
    In all things Praise the Lord! How often we forget!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: