There’s no way to truly describe how frustrating, heartbreaking, and painful dealing with infertility is. I’ve heard people say they understand because it took them six or so months to conceive, but honestly if you haven’t endured going through infertility treatments and tests then I must say you have been blessed.
A friend of mine just found out this wouldn’t be her month, and my heart truly just breaks for her. I wish there was something I could say to change things, but I’ve been in her shoes and I know that there’s not. When you’re trying to get pregnant it feels like the world is against you. You dread going on sites like Facebook and Twitter because you just know there will be a new pregnancy or birth announcement. It seems like no one has a care in the world, and the only dark cloud is hovering over your head. You find yourself becoming bitter at someone for being blessed with a child because they have exactly what you want. You see your friends complaining because they can’t drink or don’t feel well, but yet they get to have a baby growing inside them. You begin counting how many of your friends have become pregnant, how many pregnant bellies are in the store or even walk by during lunch. And the more you put yourself through all of this the harder it all becomes.
I know because these are all things that I am guilty of. My time trying to conceive has lasted longer than a friend’s marriage. I’ve had other friends get married, get pregnant, and have their baby all while I continued to wait. I’ve had multiple friends be surprised with a pregnancy, and now one of them is pregnant again…this time with twins. And I know it can all be very overwhelming.
For a while I just wanted it to end. I wondered what I did to deserve all of the pain. I dug up all of the skeletons in my closet, repented of all my sin, and requested forgiveness of a friend. I changed my diet, took medications orally, inserted medications where the sun doesn’t shine, injected my stomach and butt with medications, endured daily doctor visits and literally stood on my head. I did everything I could think of, but nothing worked. Time would pass, and each month there would be another negative. I wondered why. What was the purpose of the pain? The wonderment turned to frustration. The frustration turned to bitterness and the bitterness turned to anger. I wondered why God would give me such a strong desire if He had no plan to fulfill that very desire.
But the truth is now, being through it all, I think I actually know. Of course I don’t know His ultimate purpose in it all or how things will end, but that’s ok. I know now that He has always been with me, and through everything He was using my desire to mold me for the better. I’ve learned to cling to God in ways I’ve never held on to Him before. He’s seen me through my darkest hours, my brightest days and has continued to be by my side. I may not have felt it, but He has always been right there…fighting for me.
You see, through it all He just wanted me. As much as I longed for a child, He longed for me more. He wanted to pull me out of the trenches, but I refuse to relinquish control. It literally took my body shutting down before I realized what I was doing. I was trying to control it all rather than just trusting in Him. I’ve learned that I can make everything line up perfectly, but if it’s not what He wants for me at that very moment then there is nothing I can do. It’s not my fault that I can’t get pregnant; it’s just that I need to trust in His plan more than my own. Through infertility He grew my faith. He showed me that faith is not always knowing why something happens or how something works, but it is trusting that He has a greater plan for my life, and knowing that I just need to let go. I’ve learned that it is only by letting go that I am able to find peace, and that no matter what lies ahead, He will walk me through it, but I must continue to keep trusting in Him.