The Healing Process – Part 1

There are a number of things that have happened to help me reach where I am today.  I really feel like it has truly been a journey, and by going through it, I have learned more about myself, grown in my relationship with Christ, and been able to be healed.  Now when I say healed, I don’t mean in the physical sense, but more on an emotional level.  I also don’t mean that everyday is perfect, (I think my most recent post before this proves that) but I can definitely say my struggling moments have become a lot less frequent.

So I’ve decided to do a series of posts on the healing process because there is not one thing that has really made the difference.  Instead, there have been a number of things through the years that have all worked together.  The first few things happened even before I was married.  So I’ll take a quick stroll down memory lane to catch you up.

  • I didn’t get to finish college, or obtain a college degree. Instead I was forced into jumping straight into a career.
  • I landed my first “real” job as a receptionist with an aerial advertising agency, but was laid off 6 months later after 9/11. (All flights grounded = no aerial advertising)
  • After I was laid off, I was unemployed for 3 months and completely on my own financially.  I finally landed my second job, was promoted, but then had to leave due to some shady things going on behind closed doors.  I was determined not to quit before finding a new job, and straight from God’s miracle book, I was called out of the blue and offered my receptionist position back with the aerial advertising company.

So why am I sharing all of this?  First off, I have never been a career minded person so being shoved into a career not knowing what I wanted to do with my life was very overwhelming.  My only goal was to be a wife and mom so a career was the last thing on my mind.  However, many people think (and will even tell you) that you can’t get anywhere without a college degree.  I had to prove to myself this wasn’t true.  Now of course getting a degree is great if you can get one, but I hate to hear people use not going to college as an excuse for being a screw up.  I have learned that through determination, hard work, and putting up with a lot of grunt work, you can actually make something of yourself.  Don’t buy into the whole game of you need this or that to get anywhere, instead, work harder than anyone else at whatever job you can land, and I promise you will get noticed.  I can tell you now that every position I have held since that first receptionist position required a college degree.  Did I lie about having one? No.  I simply told them it was beyond my control, but by starting my career early I was able to gain more experience on the job than I would have in the classroom.  Then I let my resume do the talking.

The second reason I’m sharing this is because of my lay off/unemployment experience.  Anyone looking at my resume could simply skip over it, or really, I could have decided to leave it off because essentially I ended up in the same place.  But it was through that time of uncertainty that I really had to learn who I was.  I was challenged in ways I had never been challenged.  I had to trust God through a time when I had no clue what would be happening next and really it was what I would consider a time of true growth.

And so here’s my tie to infertility.  Though infertility treatments were something I would have never chosen for myself (like a career), God provided the treatments just like He provided the job that I needed. I didn’t know what direction either would take me, but He placed them both before me and taught me more about Him through the process.  This is the same for the time I was laid off, unemployed, and knew I needed to leave my second job without really knowing what would come next.  I had no choice but to take things one day at a time.  And if there’s anything a person can experience that defines a time of uncertainty it is going through infertility.  You don’t know why you’re stuck not able to conceive, but you follow the steps in front of you without knowing the outcome.  Of course you hope for the best, but there’s no guarantee that it will work and I am proof of that.  I went through years of medication, tests and treatments to only remain infertile and barren.  From the outside it can appear as if it was simply just a waste of time, but to me, I really think it was worth the treatment even without the desired outcome. Just like my time of being unemployed, I had no choice but to take things day by day, cling to God, and in the end I actually was left right where I started. But it was by going through these times of uncertainty that I continued to learn more about God, and in turn, more about myself.

So the first step in my healing process was really digging down and learning from the past.  I knew from the things I had experienced early on in my career that no matter where I start or end up, God can ultimately use anything to teach me about Him, and help me become more like the person He wants me to be.  So in order to heal and grow through infertility, I had to learn from my past and know that no matter what happened, I would make it through each one of the ups and downs, even if the outcome wasn’t the one I wanted.

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Moments of Weakness

It’s been a while since I’ve actually broken down, but today I had a moment of weakness.  Everything had been going perfectly.  Some of our closest friends came to visit this weekend, we took them to our favorite restaurants, did some shopping, went to a baseball game and took some fun pictures around a few monuments.  It has really been the ideal weekend, but then I started spotting.  It’s been so long since my last cycle that I really don’t remember when it was, but today that all has changed and I’ve been constantly reminded of what might have been.

I should have known it was coming because really when everything seems to be absolutely perfect, I feel that’s when Satan tends to find a way to make me crumble.  As we were at the game today, all I could notice were the kids and babies sitting around us. Looking at each little face I was reminded of what may never be. When we went out to eat, the most adorable little girl with a long blonde pony tail walked by, and again, I was reminded of the daughter I may never have.  I was reminded that this weekend marks the 4th anniversary of  receiving our first baby gift , and now it just sits in a drawer.  Even as I type this post, a commercial just came on of a couple announcing their pregnancy….talk about timing.

Pregnancy and children are all around us, and I really hate being weak. I hate when I allow these moments to rob me of the joy I should be experiencing, and instead I allow them to expose the scab of pain in my heart.  But the truth is I’m human, and as much as I hate it, I can really be a girl in every sense of the word.  It’s in these moments of weakness that I allow the little things to add up until I feel like I’m just going to explode, and tonight was a night I let my emotions take over.  I sat in the bathroom, screamed, and really just let it all out.

I hate these moments, but I’m glad they are becoming less and less frequent.  Each time one of these moments come, it ends up teaching me something new. And when I finally release the pain, I tend to see things much more clearly.  It doesn’t matter if my cycle comes or not, it doesn’t matter if I end up becoming a mom one day, the only thing that matters is that I release these moments to God rather than trying to deal with them on my own.  I feel like I’ve learned this lesson a few times, but I hope next time I just give it straight to Him rather than going at it on my own.

So I had my little breakdown, released the frustration on my own, finally gave it all back to God and now it’s time to move on…again. I don’t know what lies ahead, and I don’t know where things are going, but I do know that tomorrow will be better, and no matter how hard these individual moments may be, the good thing is a new moment is waiting just around the corner, and God is in control.  I’ve learned that by dwelling on what may be missing and focusing on my physical and emotional pain, I’m only bringing myself closer to Satan and giving him a hold over the situation.  Instead tonight I’m giving it all back to God… using my pain, and sharing it here.  I’m sharing it to show you that I’m not always strong, and everyone  has their moments of weakness.  I know that I’m not defeated because I still have these moments, but instead I can use them to make me stronger by drawing even closer to God and I know it’s how I handle these moments that truly make the difference.