It’s been a while since I’ve actually broken down, but today I had a moment of weakness. Everything had been going perfectly. Some of our closest friends came to visit this weekend, we took them to our favorite restaurants, did some shopping, went to a baseball game and took some fun pictures around a few monuments. It has really been the ideal weekend, but then I started spotting. It’s been so long since my last cycle that I really don’t remember when it was, but today that all has changed and I’ve been constantly reminded of what might have been.
I should have known it was coming because really when everything seems to be absolutely perfect, I feel that’s when Satan tends to find a way to make me crumble. As we were at the game today, all I could notice were the kids and babies sitting around us. Looking at each little face I was reminded of what may never be. When we went out to eat, the most adorable little girl with a long blonde pony tail walked by, and again, I was reminded of the daughter I may never have. I was reminded that this weekend marks the 4th anniversary of receiving our first baby gift , and now it just sits in a drawer. Even as I type this post, a commercial just came on of a couple announcing their pregnancy….talk about timing.
Pregnancy and children are all around us, and I really hate being weak. I hate when I allow these moments to rob me of the joy I should be experiencing, and instead I allow them to expose the scab of pain in my heart. But the truth is I’m human, and as much as I hate it, I can really be a girl in every sense of the word. It’s in these moments of weakness that I allow the little things to add up until I feel like I’m just going to explode, and tonight was a night I let my emotions take over. I sat in the bathroom, screamed, and really just let it all out.
I hate these moments, but I’m glad they are becoming less and less frequent. Each time one of these moments come, it ends up teaching me something new. And when I finally release the pain, I tend to see things much more clearly. It doesn’t matter if my cycle comes or not, it doesn’t matter if I end up becoming a mom one day, the only thing that matters is that I release these moments to God rather than trying to deal with them on my own. I feel like I’ve learned this lesson a few times, but I hope next time I just give it straight to Him rather than going at it on my own.
So I had my little breakdown, released the frustration on my own, finally gave it all back to God and now it’s time to move on…again. I don’t know what lies ahead, and I don’t know where things are going, but I do know that tomorrow will be better, and no matter how hard these individual moments may be, the good thing is a new moment is waiting just around the corner, and God is in control. I’ve learned that by dwelling on what may be missing and focusing on my physical and emotional pain, I’m only bringing myself closer to Satan and giving him a hold over the situation. Instead tonight I’m giving it all back to God… using my pain, and sharing it here. I’m sharing it to show you that I’m not always strong, and everyone has their moments of weakness. I know that I’m not defeated because I still have these moments, but instead I can use them to make me stronger by drawing even closer to God and I know it’s how I handle these moments that truly make the difference.