To finish off my series on the Healing Process, I figured I would write about “Time”. It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a year and a half since we found out we wouldn’t be conceiving a child. As I’ve mentioned before, we immediately began looking into adoption, but after not knowing which country to choose, we decided to wait. During this waiting period we have bought a home, I started this blog and have changed jobs.
I think in some ways God has used each of these items as a great distraction, and as a way of continuing my growth. My days of sadness are much more rare, and these past activities have allowed me to stay busy. Our move was a huge help to me as it allowed me to let go of many painful memories made in our old home that I didn’t even realize were there. Though I loved it, I honestly had a hard time going into our guest bedroom. To me, I only saw the baby’s room that never was. The move allowed me to leave the bathroom that I read so many negative test results in, leave the kitchen where I injected so many medications into my body, and leave the home that was filled with so many unfulfilled dreams. The move was honestly very refreshing. It was like a clean break, and a new beginning in a new home.
Another big help that came with the move was giving my husband his “we’re pregnant” gift. When we first started trying, I had gotten his old baby clothes, blanket, and rattle from his parents’ house and placed them in a baby themed gift bag. I covered the clothes with tissue paper, and had ribbons closing the bag which read “It’s a boy” and “It’s a girl”. I had also gotten a blank yellow card that said “Baby” on the front, and inside planned to place a picture of the positive pregnancy test which would then turn into the first picture of our baby’s book. I had this present hidden in my closet for years, but as we were packing up our room I decided it was time to let go of it and give it to my husband. I knew our pregnant moment would never come, and the moment we shared as I gave him his gift is one that I will treasure for the rest of my life. My husband has been a great source of strength through everything. He’s always been honest (even when I didn’t want to hear it), and has allowed me to handle things however I needed to handle them. He let me yell at him when I couldn’t hold things in any longer, cry when I needed to just let it all out, and has loved me even when I wasn’t a very lovable person. I seriously couldn’t be blessed with a more wonderful man which leads me onto this next point… this blog.
This blog has also brought me a lot of peace about not becoming pregnant, and I’ve been amazed at how many people have told me they’ve been touched by it. What started out as a way to record my thoughts has turned into a ministry opportunity. It was scary in the beginning, but my husband said if it was something I thought I should do then I should just do it well. That additional support was just what I needed to hear. It’s has been through this blog that I realized my previous prayers and questions of why God would allow me to have such a strong desire if it was never going to be fulfilled has been answered. He’s shown me that He allowed me to have this desire so that He could use it to speak and reach others going through similar life events. It honestly seems insane to think He would use me, my situation, and the road I’ve traveled to reach others, but as He continues to bring strangers across my path I have learned that this was all part of His plan. He’s shown me that He can give us a desire so that He can use it in a way we never imagined, and even if it goes unfulfilled, it can still have a purpose. I’ve learned that He is always God, and can use absolutely anything, even our fears, to bring glory to Him.
So my healing process has been just that… a process. I’m finally at peace about never becoming pregnant, and excited to see what the future holds. What that is still remains a mystery, but I’m excited to travel whatever road God decides to take us down. I look forward to still possibly adopting, but I can even see us just remaining a couple… which shows me how much God has taken ahold of me and my dreams. I’ve learned that letting go of my dreams is much harder than trying to hold onto them, but at the end of the day I just want to be wherever God wants me to be. I know that no matter what happens, I will still be thankful to have gone through this journey, and will continue living happily ever after with the man of my dreams. My love for my husband has grown through all of these ups and downs. We’ve been in the trenches together, fought for each other, and loved each other each step of this journey. I’ve learned that love isn’t always easy, but it’s after experiencing each other’s highs and lows, that the journey of going through each of these moments is what builds an even stronger bond as you continue the journey together. He has, is, and will always be the love of my life and the only man for me. So whatever we decide is best, I know we’re going to be just fine… as our current family of two…or even if we end up as the longed for family of three.