Happy New Year, and thanks for sticking around even after the long breaks in writing. It’s now 2011 which seems so hard to believe. I hope the holidays were good to you, and you are looking forward to the new year. Many people look at the new year, and think about all they want to accomplish. Some of you are probably hoping for a pregnancy, others for a baby through adoption, and others may just be trying to move on. For me, I’m just wanting to enjoy whatever comes this year without any expectations.
Since my husband and I started trying, each year I looked at the holidays as our last one just the two of us. I would think about how there was a good chance we’d be adding a baby to our family, and how I couldn’t wait to celebrate the next Thanksgiving or Christmas with a little one in my arms. In a way, I think I robbed myself of those holidays by fixating on what was missing, or dreaming of what may be rather than enjoying the life I had been given. This year I had a different approach. Maybe it’s because we’ve stopped trying, and are still uncertain about adoption, but this year I truly enjoyed Christmas for what it was…a time to reflect on all Christ has done for us, and a time to enjoy what’s really important in life. My husband and I had almost two weeks off of work together, and I truly treasured every second. 2010 was a very busy and demanding year for us, so having some time to ourselves was simply wonderful.
If there’s anything 2010 has taught me, it would have to be that life is full of uncertainty, and the only joy we can find is by embracing the life we’ve been given. I’ve learned that barren is the term that defines me now more than infertile, and as hard as it was to admit it, it has helped me to move on. Coming to grips with reality is hard. I see a lot of posts from infertiles on Facebook refusing to admit that they are infertile. Many women go through years of failed infertility treatments and failed adoptions all while refusing to give up. They allow their struggles to define them and take pride in the difficutlies they find in life. For me, I was very much like them so by writing this now I’m not telling anyone how to feel… but the truth is facing reality and admitting defeat has felt more like claiming victory than throwing in the towel. It’s like I finally have my life back. I know I won’t get pregnant, and I will never give birth to my child, but that doesn’t mean my life can’t go on and God doesn’t have a plan for it. God can use our strengths and weaknesses to grow us, and by opening my heart to His plans, I can move on from my own. Adoption may become my reality one day, and if it does, I will love our baby with every breath that I have. I think that we will be better parents for the time and struggles we’ve been through, and our marriage will be stronger by going through our infertility battle together. But the urgency to adopt seems to have faded. Adoption is no longer about me, what I want, or my timing, but it’s more about what God’s plan is for us as a couple and family. I’ve learned that when I take things into my own hands before it’s time, things usually end up a mess. But if I wait to see where God leads then the path brings more peace than I could have ever brought about myself.
So this year for me is all about enjoying life. Doing things I’ve always wanted to do, loving life for the blessings I’ve been given, and allowing God to mold my hopes and dreams however He chooses. I’m giving each day to Him to reveal His plan, and to make the desires of my heart a better reflection of Him.