You’ve heard me say it before and I will say it again, infertility is a battle. Everyday is a fight of choice. Will you throw in the towel and let your emotions take over, or will you find strength to enjoy the blessings you’ve been given? I recently posted on Facebook the statement, “It’s not about the blessings that haven’t arrived; it’s making the most of the blessings you’ve been given this day.” It came to me as I was heading into work, and taking a moment to pause before reading my Bible. I wish I could say I do this every day, but I’m human, and unfortunately I don’t. But I can’t help but think God gave me this thought as I was beginning just another day of life with infertility.
To me, infertility is battle. It’s fierce. It breaks you physically and emotionally. It drains the life out of you, and just when you think you have things under control it gains power out of nowhere and knocks you down again. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about being a mom, or how wonderful of a father my husband would be. Infertility tests you, and quite honestly if I didn’t have faith in knowing God’s plan is ultimately best, I don’t know where I’d be today. It’s hard to trust God when you don’t like what He’s allowing you to go through and all you can do is walk through life blindly, but I think that’s the ultimate lesson in faith.
Trusting God regardless of the outcome is one thing life has taught me. I can plan and plan, but in the end His plan is always much better than my own. It is hard looking at it on this end without knowing how things will end up, but He’s shown me time and time again that His plan is always best and He can use each trial that comes along as a way of growing my relationship with Him, reaching others I couldn’t have without going through that trial, and when His plan is finally revealed I can see how each step along the way was preparing me for a greater purpose.
Just like every battle, blessings can be found as the dust settles. There are highs and lows, but through each battle you learn what you’re made of, and I’ve learned a lot through infertility. When my husband and I got married almost 8 years ago, I never imagined anything would come between us. Life was wonderful and we got excited about starting a family. But when things didn’t go as planned, it tested us and showed us what true love is. In all honesty, I had hard time processing my emotions. I didn’t know what to feel, and when I did feel something, it was a range of emotion from excitement, to frustration, to guilt, to fear, to anger, to bitterness, to jealousy, and I just couldn’t decipher it all. But by not knowing how to process my emotions, I became distant, distracted, and left my husband in the dark as to how I was feeling until I really just needed to explode and get it out. It was through infertility that we had to fight for each other, get in the trenches, and love each other even when we didn’t like each other very much. But through this battle, we are now stronger, closer, more honest, and have both said our marriage and life is even better now than it’s probably ever been. It’s sad to see how marriage is not taken seriously these days, but for us, no matter what comes our way, we know we will always get through it together.
Another blessing that has appeared through this battle has been helping friends going through similar struggles. When we went through our infertility treatments we really felt alone. We let friends know we had been trying and were going through treatment, but without going through it yourself, it’s nearly impossible to understand. As time has passed though, some of our friends have had to venture into their own battle with infertility. Some have gotten their happy ending, and others continue down the road of the unknown. Now I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but it’s really been a blessing to be able to support friends going through similar struggles which in turn has grown our friendship.
You could say that I started this blog as a way of conquering my battle with infertility. I can now take a step back and recount my emotions without being as clouded by them. I can share my story with others as a way of combatting the silence around the subject while reaching out to others and letting them know they’re not alone. And finally, I can find peace about the past and look forward to the future. It’s amazing to see how much more at ease I feel these days about not knowing what the future holds, and how I know now that if I have to continue waiting another year, two or even three years before I learn what will happen that’s ok because I’ve come this far and I know God will continue to prepare me for whatever His outcome is. Through my years of waiting I’ve learned He can bring along peace in uncertainty, and by having that it allows me to enjoy my husband more and the blessings we’ve been given today. So even though the battle of infertility may pick up speed on some days, for the most part, and by the grace of God, I’m able to keep the battle far off in the distance.