The X-Ray Vision of an Infertile

When you’re trying to conceive you develop what I consider to be a form of X-ray vision. Pregnant women appear all around you, and you notice the smallest details about a person’s life. It’s not anything you plan, but you are walking around with an enhanced vision for all things baby that you simply can’t discard.

As soon as I entered the world of infertility I found myself counting  how many pregnant women passed by on the street or in a store. It wasn’t anything I thought about doing, but it came as natural as breathing. Many times I wouldn’t notice what I was doing until I passed five or six. It was as if an alarm went off letting me know what was going on.

I began noticing my friends — those who once said it would be a couple of years before they were going to start trying — suddenly pregnant all around me. It wasn’t that they had pushed their plans up, but mine continued to be delayed. I couldn’t help but stare at their hand over their belly as if it was keeping it intact, how they would take a deep breath when their baby moved, or how they were constantly sick. I noticed how they always had snacks around, and all they could talk about was their baby. And with all of this happening, I couldn’t help but feel like my new vision was turning me invisible.

I began to feel like an outsider, a freak, and as if I weren’t a real woman. I felt that my new vision had caused my friends to drift away, and all I could do was stand still. I would try to be open or maintain the friendship, but they didn’t seem to notice, and I couldn’t help but feel all alone.

Infertility has caused me to see life differently. I’ve learned to look for ways I might turn a bad situation into good even when I simply feel lost. I’ve discovered that I may not always know why something’s happening, but with time, prayer and an open mind, I can find God in the midst of the chaos.

I can’t help but think that the X-ray vision caused by infertility is in a peak at how God sees His creation. He sees a world full of people He loves, and all He wants to do is to be loved in return. His desire is not for us to feel less of a person, but to be complete by finding our strength and purpose in Him.

2 thoughts on “The X-Ray Vision of an Infertile

  1. Saw the link to your blog on your husband’s facebook page – we were House colleagues. What a find! You have taken the words out of my mouth and put them into the public so much better than I could have ever done. Thank you for writing this blog. Thank you for debunking the myths. And thank you for realizing that this is part of your walk with God, not some detour that He guided you to and then left you on. After 2 years of infertility treatments and failed IVF transfers, it was only when I stopped fighting for control and started trusting in God’s plan that I found some peace. I don’t know you, but I know your journey and I know that God showed me the way to your blog on a day I felt all alone and needed someone who understood what my husband and I have been going through!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I think everyone has their tough days, but I love to see how God can shine through even in life’s challenges. I’m so glad you found the peace you were looking for, and agree that sometimes letting go is exactly what is needed. Thanks your encouragement!

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