Rediscovering My Infertile Voice

I’ve had a hard time writing recently, so I decided to take a break, and go through an old journal in hopes of finding something new. I was hoping to read about going through a certain fertility treatment process, but instead found something better.

I found an entry dated from April 12, 2010. In it I wrote about possibly starting a blog. Below is my entry/prayer.

“Should I start a blog? What am I meant to do? These are questions that have lingered in my mind for quite some time. I have a story to tell, but don’t know how to share it, who to share it with or if anyone will listen. Is it arrogant of me to think I am in a place to lead, guide, or help others struggling? I’m not where I want to be, still have my bad days, and have no clue as to what Your plan is for my future. And yet there is something inside of me that is ready to get it out.

So many women battle infertility in silence. I hate that there is no true safe haven for them. No place they can share their deepest, darkest fears, hurts and doubts. I would love to establish a place they can go to and see they’re not alone. A place they can find peace and hopefully a place they can find You.

The question is, am I qualified for such a task? Am I willing to be exposed to those I want to reach as well as to the world? How would this affect my husband, and the private moments we’ve had together? There are so many unanswered questions and unknowns.

So I leave them with you, Lord. Lead me wherever you want me to go. Teach me what you want me to learn. Open not only my eyes and heart, but my husband’s eyes and heart to what Your will is. I’m Your’s to use. Open doors to places you want me to go, and make Your way known.

I love you, Lord.

I didn’t tell anyone about my thoughts of writing a blog, and haven’t shared this journal entry until today. But shortly after writing this I began receiving inquiries from friends about starting an infertility blog. They had no clue I had secretly struggled with this decision, but I felt God was using them to reveal His answer. I finally decided to ask my husband what he thought. I knew that exposing my thoughts on our journey and our struggle of infertility would also be exposing him and some of the private moments we have inside our marriage. I wasn’t sure how he would feel about this, and knew I didn’t want to begin such a personal blog without his full blessing.

We were heading home from hiking on a Saturday morning, when I finally let it out. I told him I had been thinking about starting an infertility blog, and a few people had recently asked if I had considered it. I asked him what he thought, and will never forget his words. He said if I wanted to start a blog, then I should make sure I did it well. He suggested I put time, thought and effort into it. He said I should post regularly so it wouldn’t become stale, and encouraged me to move forward. My husband is amazing. He has put up with a lot, and loved me through it all.

On June 16, 2010, I finally published my first blog post, and since then, I have received countless comments and emails thanking me for sharing my story, putting their feelings into words and let me know how they were comforted by reading an entry on a very tough day. I have received personal emails explaining how God used a certain post to speak to them, and have been constantly encouraged to keep it up. What started out as a simple blog grew into something I never dreamed would become reality. My blog expanded through social media reaching people around the world. It received a top blog award, and turned into a professional blog when I was asked to join Fertility Authority’s team of professional bloggers, and none of this would have been possible without God’s leading and direction.  It reminds me how He can and will do amazing things if we just continue to release things back to Him. He found a way to transform the most painful part of my life into something that is good, has used my story to speak to others, and has brought me comfort and healing through the process.

So even though I’ve taken a break from blogging, I hope you’ll pick back up with me now that I’ve returned. I think breaks are good, and we all need to take them at some point, but it’s important to not let it linger and to keep on pressing on.

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