Most people think once you achieve a pregnancy, all of the heartache and trauma of infertility automatically disappears. But I have learned that’s not the case. The memories are still fresh, and although the pain has been softened and replaced by joy, the scars remain and a layer of guilt has been added.
I feel guilty for seeing my dream come true because my heart continues to ache for those still waiting. I have had a hard time blogging because when I was going through infertility, I had a hard time reading posts from others that eventually conceived. I felt like they just tried to sympathize and had forgotten all that they had experienced. I now know that’s not true, but still worry what others think when I write something new. I have an internal struggle sharing anything pregnancy-related because I don’t want to hurt anyone and at the same time want to share my joy as encouragement and a testimony to God’s great miracle.
It may sound crazy, but even with my growing belly I have to remind myself that I’m actually pregnant and it’s OK to treasure and enjoy this time. I spent so much time fighting my desire to be a mom that it became somewhat of a habit, and even now, I’m afraid to take a pregnancy test because I’ve been scarred by so many negatives. In fact, I think I had a feeling I was pregnant before we found out, but wouldn’t let my heart or head go there because I had been told it just wasn’t possible.
So I say all of this because infertility is not a couple trying to become a family, but is more a battle of the heart. It’s easy and often necessary to build walls around your heart when going through it, but no matter how much you try to avoid being hurt, the scars will still appear. For me, I treasure these scars now because they remind me of all that I’ve been through and help me to remember to encourage those still struggling. They remind me that God continues to have a plan even when we don’t see it, and that the process of growth during trial is often the most effective way God can teach us to simply lean on Him.