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Desires

June 18, 2010

Desires run deep.  They are feelings, emotions, and ideas that reach deep into our core.  Sure we may want things at different times in our life, but desires are what our heart longs for, quiet whispers that let us know what matters most. For me I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  It has been etched on my heart for as long as I can remember.  I grew up playing with dolls like many girls, but when I played with them I had to be the mom.   When I played “store” at a friend’s house I had to be the mom shopping at the store…not the cashier, not the store manager, or anyone else.  If we played “secretary” then I was the mom that juggled work and my child who just happened to sit next to my desk.  You see, I’ve always  had the desire to be a mom and even now that I’m grown I still have that desire to this very day.  I can see my child sitting in the backseat as my husband and I drive down the road.  I can feel our sleeping baby laying on my chest as we watch a movie. I can hear the silly giggles of our toddler playing in the floor with our dog.  These are my desires, the things I long for, the things I’ve always dreamed of being but yet,  they are not my reality.

For a while I struggled with why God would give me such a strong desire if it was never meant to be.  I often prayed  that if He would just grant me this one thing than I would use every fiber of my being to bring glory to Him.  I’ve had friends tell me that I would definitely get pregnant because my desire was so strong, but yet here I am…years later… and still no baby.

But you know, that’s ok with me now.  I can see that even though wanting to become a mom can be both a wonderful and painful desire, God has used my journey to help some very dear friends.  I realize now that my original prayer was pretty selfish, and that I was essentially telling God that since He was not giving me what I wanted then there was nothing I could do for Him. I’ve learned that no matter what His answer is He has a reason for giving it, and even if I never know what that reason is I shouldn’t trust Him any less.

So I wouldn’t say that my desire has changed through infertility, but instead God has used the two together to change me.  He’s allowed me to look at things in another light, strengthen and mold me for the better.  He’s shown me that He is where my focus needs to be, and that my deepest desire should always be on what He wants for my life not what I want…even if that means I never end up holding my own child.

Now I know all of this is a lot easier said than done and it definitely took me quite some time to get to this point.  I just wanted to start off by giving you a glimpse at how strong my desire is so you can see that no matter how hard it is waiting for our dreams to come true, you can still grow, change, and become a better person due to the process.  In a strange way I feel that all of the waiting will prepare me to a be better parent if and when that day comes, but I know that whatever happens it will be for the best, that some things just don’t have an answer,  sometimes we have to go through life blindly and just like everything else we just have to take it all one step at a time.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. PJAZ permalink
    June 29, 2010 9:08 PM

    Hi there,
    I came across your blog on facebook. I have been reading your posts and your story parallels mine in an ncanny way. Today I received news of yet another failed fertility treatment and I was looking for some peace. I have been praying all day, but not reaching God in the way I know I usually can. I think I just needed to know that I am not alone. I know God will take care of both of us and I will include you in my prayers tonight. You truly helped me this afternoon. I needed your “virtual” shoulder. Thank you.

    • June 30, 2010 9:08 AM

      Thanks so much for your comment, and I’m glad my blog was able to bring you some comfort. I understand how it feels to get the news you dread, but I know God has a plan for you and your family. I don’t know what it is, but He is faithful and will see you through all of these rough days. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve said a special prayer for you this morning. I asked the Lord to give you comfort and strength. I’ve asked Him to guide you as to what to do next, and to give you a peace about whatever He wants that next step to be. My heart truly goes out to you, and I pray that you have a wonderful day today.

  2. June 24, 2010 5:23 PM

    Hi, I stumbled upon your blog while browsing some other blogs. I hope you don’t mind.

    I went through the same struggle a few months ago. I have the same desire you do and I have always wanted to be a mother.

    I’ll be praying for you and yes, you’re right. Whatever happens will be for the best. Just remain faithful, have hope and always, always rely on God. :-)

    • June 24, 2010 7:21 PM

      Welcome Mrs. M! Thanks for stopping by, and leaving me a comment. I hope you don’t mind, but i checked out your blog as well. It sounds like we have many things in common…married 7 years, just bought a home, madly in love with our husbands, trusting God with whatever His plan is, and dealing with PCOS and the other joys of infertility. I hope my blog some how provides you with some comfort, and I’ll be checking in on yours as well to see how things progress. All the best to you, and your journey of becoming a mom!

  3. June 19, 2010 8:47 PM

    Thanks for your comment Elena, and for following me along. I appreciate your new friendship, and hope you all have a wonderful Father’s Day celebrating your husband and daughter. :)

  4. Elena permalink
    June 18, 2010 2:02 PM

    I had that same desire to Mother growing up. That desire is a blessing and gift from God and it is a righteous desire. I often wrestled with the same feelings. Why did I have this desire but, couldn’t have children. Well, for me my answer was that I had to want children that much to go to the lengths I went to to have them. Each of my different experiences on my quest for children taught me so much about myself and about the Lord. And the last one (our adoption process) was the most amazing, rewarding experience I have ever had. I never would have had that if my first prayers to God had been answered the way I wanted them to be. The experience we had adopting our daughter is worth everything I went through to get to her. I’m so hopeful for a wonderful, culminating experience for you.

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