I never imagined I would be infertile. My parents, grandparents, siblings, and extended family all conceived fairly easily. When I went off the pill I just figured my cycle would come, and I’d be joyfully announcing my pregnancy shortly after. I planned out how I would tell my husband we were pregnant, and how we’d share our news with friends and family. But when things didn’t go as planned I never really questioned whether I would end up getting pregnant. Something inside me just said fertility treatments were simply a different avenue of getting where I always thought I would be. I felt that God provided the insurance to cover my treatments because He knew we would need them, so surely He would use them to provide us with our baby.
But each month I didn’t become pregnant, and I would be devastated. As the months passed and with each negative test result I saw, the more pain I continued to feel. But even with that pain I never doubted it would work. I just figured I would go through treatments, and have our child. I looked at going to a fertility doctor as somewhat of a blessing. It allowed me to see my child when he/she was just a follicle growing on my ovary. I could say I saw all of the parts God used to mold him/her together before he/she was even formed inside of me. And by thinking of that it helped me move on.
But after the months turned to years, and my body stopped responding to medication, I knew it was time to let go of my plan and face reality. My follicles were no longer growing no matter how much medication I injected into my body, and there was nothing I could do about it. It was terrifying to admit that I would not be conceiving a child, but at the same time I found a sense of peace in it all. In the end, I gave it my all. I used all of the avenues God provided, followed the doctors’ orders, and was still left barren… obviously that was my answer. It wasn’t the one I wanted, but I think it took everything together to finally give me some peace.
Soon after we learned we couldn’t conceive, my husband and I began requesting information from adoption agencies. We received application and information packets in the mail and we began sifting through the information. I knew the process would take some time and work, but I really didn’t know just how much there is to do with adopting. As we continued our research we felt lost, and weren’t sure where to start. We were open to international adoption, but didn’t know what country. We looked into China, but didn’t meet the requirements. We didn’t care where the baby came from, or even the sex, but those decisions have to be made in order to move forward. Before you can choose an agency, you first choose a country, but as we continued our research we didn’t feel led in any one direction. All of a sudden we felt more confused than ever. It was like we literally had all of the options in the world, but the more we looked into it all, the more we felt it wasn’t right. Not that we think adopting is wrong, but for us, we quickly learned it wasn’t the time.
So we decided to wait, and even a year later we still don’t know what to do so we continue to wait. But through this time of uncertainty, God continues to reveal more of His plan. The crazy thing is, it’s not even close to what I thought it would be. I find myself becoming content in the uncertainty. I discovered it was time to move on from my current employer, and was pursued to move my career in a new direction. I now find myself actually enjoying my new job, and even though I’ve never been a career minded person, it seems to be really taking off… and in a direction I actually like. I now find it interesting that as soon as I found out I couldn’t have a child, adoption, which I honestly was never open to, was immediately the answer. Part of me wonders if it was all God working to get me where I needed to be. I now look at adoption in a whole new light, and actually find myself excited about it. But on the flip side I wonder if wanting to adopt is just my selfishness taking over and if it’s more about me getting what I want and desire rather than accepting what God wants for us as a couple. It really seems like there’s fine line there, and I’m still not sure which side of it I stand. I wonder if He’s allowed my career to take off to show me He has another plan in mind, or if He’s allowing me to enjoy my career and grant me opportunities I may not have been able to experience had I already become a parent.
So I really find myself knowing less and less each day about what direction life is taking me, and at the same time I’m surprised to find myself enjoying the unknown. We’re continuing to take more time before deciding if adoption is right for us because we’ve learned that if God really wants us to do something He has a way of giving us an unexplainable peace about taking the next step. I personally think it’s much easier having your own child because once you make that one decision then you usually just get pregnant. Adoption however takes a lot of thought, time, preparation, and finances… and that’s just the beginning of the process. You also have paperwork and home visits. You willingly invite someone into your life to judge whether you will be a good parent or not. You place your deepest desires into the hands of others, and hope not to get your heart-broken along the way…. and you do all of this after mourning the biological child you will never have, after learning to accept the heartache you’ve been through, growing through the pain of uncertainty, and I really don’t think my husband and I will even begin the adoption process unless we both feel that it is without a doubt what we are actually supposed to do.
So with all of this I’ve had to adjust my thinking. It hasn’t been easy, but through prayer and honesty it’s becoming more the norm. I’ve learned that whether we end up adopting in the future or not, I can still enjoy the many blessings in our life today. I can finally leave the future to whatever is meant to be. I have no doubt that if we’re meant to adopt that God will steer our hearts in the right direction, but until then, I’m meant to just leave it in His hands. Maybe our child hasn’t been conceived yet and therefore this is just our time to wait, or maybe we went through all of this to grow, learn more about each other, and experience the deep trial of infertility in order to overcome it. The only thing I know right now is that this isn’t our time, and with that I have somehow finally found some peace in it all. I am in love with my husband and truly enjoy the life we have together. He’s a wonderful man, is an incredible husband and will be an excellent father should that day come. I don’t deny that I still have the desire to become a mom, but at the same time my deepest desire is to be whoever God wants me to be, to love and enjoy the man that He’s blessed me with, and to live the life we’ve been given. So my plan has changed, and the only plan I have now is to let God be in charge of my life, to walk through the doors He opens before me, and to always place my desires, fears and doubts into His hands.